For Women Who Have lost Their Minds When Their World Was Just Too Much

Everything is wrong...more wrong than it should be. I just can't take all of it...not anymore. Its like being in a room and the walls are slowly closing in on you. Try as you may and push as you might, escape ain't coming. And as bad as all of that seems, your child is right there in the thick of it. And so...do you cry out for help? Yes, but no one comes. They see you and hear you, but NO one comes. And they are supposed to be Christians!

So, then? Do you bang on the walls, try unsuccessfully to climb them, scratch at them with your nails until your hands are bruised and bloody? Yes, lets say you do. What good does it do? It is to no avail.

Okay, now what? You aren't going to give up are you? Not now after all of this effort, that would be rude to "the cause" and estrange you from your own mind, which (by the way) has been splitting at the seams for quite some time now and is about ready to come undone.

No, delusional one...you pray. You pray hard and long and tearfully and earnestly. You get on your knees and cry out to be saved, rescued from your unjust plight. Are you able to get out then? Does your child stop crying and do you take him in your arms and leave straightaway through the miraculous door that appears out of nowhere???

No. No one comes. Nothing happens. Your child is still sad and you watch as the room gets smaller and claustrophobia sets in. You think again of those people, those supposed believers like yourself, who are just beyond the room and who have the power to at least ATTEMPT a rescue...and you cry even more because you realize that their selfishness and unconcern is too insurmountable a wall to climb. So you crunch down in the tiny space and pray once more for relief...escape...victory or even triumph...

Does it come???

I'll

Let

You

K n o w ....

~ Empress of Felines 

Life's Got Me Paranoid or Wondergirl in Aliceland

I've been totally feeling like the Jonas Brother's song "Paranoid" lately & I'm trying to make my peace with that fact. Texas has changed me. I've evolved into a great woman of God but I've also lost my moxy, my appeal, my crazy persona. Here in Reserved TX, individuality seems to be frowned upon. Everyone is a carbon copy of everyone else. Even their homes look the same! i just don't seem to mesh well or fit in AT ALL. Its become a travesty as of late. Its all I can focus on. I even dream about it!

My BFF Rhonda always says: "Lord, is it me??" I'm starting to ask the same question. Am I the nut? I feel like Alice in Wonderland, only instead of everyone being abnormal, I'M the Mad Hatter, and everyone else is...well...Alice. I dislike this phrase the most: "Oh my gosh, that is SO funny!" The people saying it and their counterparts all agree but no one actually laughs! Really?? If its that funny then give me belly laugh. Prove your statement! Agh!


I'm sorry, I digress. As I was saying, I seem to be the only one with MY head on straight and most Texans seem to have a commercial one-size-fits-all head, complete with thoughts, and sayings and judgments...all running on the same batteries & in sync with one another. Its preposterous & down right sickening. What is this, Children of the Corn? Or worse, Village of the Damned??? I sometimes say something that I assume most people are thinking and the people around me all stare in unison at me as if I have two heads. My next thought is, Please do not let their hair turn ash blonde & their eyes glow & I shoot myself. No exaggeration. Only I think that I'M the alien here. Kanye, you have a friend in me, dude.


So where do I go from here? I can't go back to who I was. I'm too proud of the young woman of Christ that I'm evolving into. But for real, a sista' can't go out like this, man! 


My hubby told me years ago that it would take time. Time to meet people that I feel comfortable being myself around & time to make solid-hard-core-friends4life gal pals. But really, I've been here 7 years. Shouldn't I have already adjusted to this planet...er...state? I'm not so sure that I will ever fit in to being a Stepford Wife or saying something is hilarious, instead of just plain old laughing. After all, I never really 'FIT IN' in Maryland. I've always been an oddity & a weirdo. the difference is that I was accepted in my own social sets AND I could be as crazy as a loon and everyone would shake their heads & smile saying "That's Michelle." If that was me, then who is this watered down, hermit-like, speak-when-spoken-to chick I see in the mirror? She certainly isn't the girl who stood on the street corners yelling "Vote for me!" & "Make 7...Up Yours!" She can't be the woman who'd stand on a bench at the Inner Harbor & start singing with my friends or pretending to trip or talking in British accents to random stranger or even (this used to ROCK), taking a wad of hair from my comb, placing it on my empty plate in a restaurant and say "Waiter, there is a hair on my plate!" <<>> That chick was AWESOME! 


But ya know, that chick had issues, deep-rooted ones. That chick was in pain & down a lot of the times. That chick never felt like she fit in either. She was just better adjusted to her madness and so were those around her, so she felt safe. Well, I don't feel that safety here in Texas. If everything is bigger in TX, that includes the depression & the pangs for social acceptance & family ties. If I have to change myself & who I am to fit in, heck with it. I'm not going to become a zombie & I certainly am not about to bleach my skin white for the obviously prejudice folks here. Oh yes, thats a part of my issue here too. I've noticed that others have been readily accepted & in too many situations with several groups of people (mostly Caucasian) I have not been embraced. I know it is easier for other minorities to assimilate, but goodness, I carry myself very well, I speak proper English, I'm educated & an intellectual to boot. So what else is there? 


I guess I will have to go on with my caramel self & ponder over all of this. We'll see how God handles the situation and how I feel. Perhaps there is nothing to fret about. Maybe, just like the Jonas Bros in the song, I'm just PARANOID.

Etsy E-boutique Sneak Peak: "Ruffles, Ribbons & Bows"

Owner: Michelle Dowell

'Ruffles, Ribbons & Bows' is a new business I've started & I LOVE it! I make hand-crafted accessories for babies, kids, and even adults! Headbands or hair clips with mutli-layered specialty bows, embellished flowers, or my one-of-a-kind flower bows: flowers w/decorative bows in them!I hand-create everything from baby hats & headbands to hair-clips & headbands for kids or adults. Have a special dress or outfit that you want me to match for you or your little one? Send me a pic & I'll create a coordinating bow or flower, just for you! Check out the pics below. My Etsy boutique will be open soon! 

Thanks for looking & God Bless!

 

Every flower is hand-crafted. I DO NOT buy flowers or bows already put together and embellish them. Each of my flowers or bows is, literally, hand-created & hand-crafted. I love my creations & take pain-staking efforts to make them special. ;-)

One of my Flower/Bow combinations. So pretty!

Another Flower Bow/ Butterfly Embellishment

Notice the butterfly embellishment? Sweet!

 I even cover the alligator clips sometimes, for an even cuter look!

Beautiful flower embellished with rhinestone.

Two mini bow clips...

A multi-layered bow. I love making these. Notice the ice-cream cones on the purple ribbon. Yummy!

Baby headband w/a specialty multi-layered bow. Super Adorable!

A more detailed view...

Me sporting the multi-layered loop bow.

These bows are awesome because they are super adorable on your baby, toddler, kids, or on you! 

TLC What About Your Friends ~ Official Video

Who is real and who is faux? Only God knows...

They 'LIKE BUTTON' Me, they "LIKE BUTTON' me not...

So today is a better day than yesterday. My insensitive husband was driving me insane (men are idiots) & Arden was extra hyper & tore through the house like the Tazmanian devil. That added to the fact that my monthly gift had come early, bringing along with it abdomen cramps, back-pain, headaches, nausea, and a sour disposition...well...I was just plain down & out yesterday. 


Today is a new day and it is already looking up. I've decided to stay away from FB for a bit. That, in the past, has seemed a difficult feat to accomplish. i'm a bit addicted to FB. But I can see where the site has a negative affect on me. For instance, if I post something about my new business venture and barely anyone says anything about it, especially people I see all the time, I get angry. Especially when those same people support others who have a business and always compliments their work. Or, say I mention a cute thing Arden has done or said to me that day and the comments are null and void. Then I see another person in my set has posted that their child is soooooo cute because they breathed or something, and all of the same friends that said nothing to my post click the 'Like' button a million times and gush over 'how sweet!' it is. Seriously??? Am I back in High School, where only the popular people got any attention and the poor non-entities who failed to pass the popularity test are ostracized & ignored??? I sincerely hope not since most of the people I engage myself with are supposed to be Christians and therefore, should walk in love towards ALL men, not just the ones they deem fit.


In lieu of my strong feelings (which may be attributed to my lovely cramps & nausea), I've decided to walk away for a couple of days from FB. Maybe I'll take an extended hiatus. To me, its just not worth it feeling angry at people because they aren't e-cordial. I also tend to reveal too much of my inner feelings via my Notes section or my post updates. If I'm depressed, I write that I'm depressed. If I'm angry or upset, I post songs from youtube that reflect my mood. But do I really ( I mean, REALLY) want these people who don't even care if I live or die, go to Heaven or Hell...do I really want them knowing my personal business? Because whether I explain WHY I feel the way I do, I'm still telling them that I'm not happy with my life. That is none of their business. Negative or melancholy posts only alert them to start gossiping about what your issues may be. I have learned that people would much rather see you sad than happy. When I write about a new article I've written on ezinearticles.com or that we're fixing up the house or how God has Blessed me in some way, do you know how many 'LIKE"s I get on my page? Let me put it to ya this way...you can hear the crickets chirping...loudly.


In the end (and the beginning), the only one who can save us is Christ. Being a Christian isn't easy in this life, but I couldn't be anything else. I love The Lord and I know, even in those sad depressing times, that He will deliver me from my troubles. It may not happen when I want it to (it rarely does), but it Will happen when its time. Thats how God operates. In the meantime, I think I'll leave the phony e-friends alone for a spell. I'll probably even step back from the phony 'real' friends, as well. I just don't see the point in trying to cultivate relationships with those who can't even be bothered to click "LIKE" on my FB page. Apparently, they wouldn't click "LIKE" on me, if I had a button. Who knows & who cares? All I care about is that God pushed my "LOVE" button a long time ago when I made Him Lord & Savior of my life...and thats all that really matters. ;-)


~Empressya

The Human Condition: Help, I'm Alive!

It seems that I am being eaten alive by the mega-maggot called LIFE. Its not cause for alarm

or an invitation for unsolicited faith-based rebuttals of solitude. Its just where I am in my head.

I never said that being me was easy, only that it was easy to ignore when I'm on autopilot. My

NORMAL sign is flashing and apparently the captain has not turned it off yet. I can turn off the sides of me that are unfavorable to most...but do I really want to?

Social network sites rock as they allow people from all walks of life to ...in essence...socialize. E-friendships (I used to believe) have merit, do they not? Aren't these non-entities that I have never met in person my friends? Do they not have my best interest at heart? and for that matter, the 50 or so people that rest sweetly on my amigos page, do they really care whats been going on with me since 1991? I think not.

We've fooled ourselves into believing that humans are fallible but still very lovable and caring. The joke is on you, comrade. People (eventually) suck. sorry chums, but there is no easier (or more PC) way to phrase it. The ins and outs of life have made our skins tough and our hearts cold...but still beating like a hammer. We ARE the "cold ones". You don't have to be undead or a blood sucker to be frozen...you just have to be alive. In living, you undoubtedly have encountered situations and people and places that are messy & untame. We've all sinned and fallen short and we have all learned some very hard lessons.

Life sucks...and yet...our hearts keep beating like hammers. Hoping and praying for things to solidify and become...REAL.

~ Chelsie

Made For Each Other

Oh what a film! Boy do I wish for this time period again. Well, maybe I'd have to be white in order to avoid the subservient lifestyle that African Americans were forced to lead back then, but I'd have LOVED to visit...even if I really wouldn't want to live there! ;-)

"Happy bridegroom, you-hoo!"

Sadly enough, people no longer speak in that manner to one another. I'm a cinch, but most 31-year-old women wouldn't even recognize that previous phrase as one of yesteryears long gone. And gee golly day, do I love vintage slang!

Well, I'd better be off. I'm due in the kitchen for a rendevous with some pots and pans. We're pretty chummy, that way.

Tata, Darrrrlllings!

~Chelsie, Dear

Me, Myself & Ice-Cream

So yes, we ALL adore ice-cream. Its truly one of the greatest pleasures in the world. And you can't make the excuse that you are lactose intolerant as there are many versions of ice-cream now. Thanks to our vegan & allergic population, we have so many kinds of ice-cream to choose from. I LOVE Rice Dream ice-cream, made from rice-milk. There is also Soy Dream ice cream and many others that will please even the pickiest of palettes. So we have established ice-creams creamy yumminess. Its sweet, it fills you up and makes you feel like you are on top of the world (until your spoon hits the bottom of the pint).

So what could be better than a million flavors of ice-cream, all the time, everyday???

Um...how  about cavities? No one ever associates a root canal with excessive sweets, but I'm sure along the line, they were there, aiding the ruination of your teeth.

What about diabetes? Taking insulin twice a day is no fun. Trust me, I do it everyday. And taking oral medication along with it? Just so much fun! I can't wait to jam myself in the thigh with a needle tonight!

So what to make of my over-the-top sarcasm? Why am I ragging on one of Americas fave desserts of all time? Not to make an enemy of 31 Flavors, thats for sure. Dairy Queen is my BFF (when my blood glucose is low).

I'm merely using ice-cream to illustrate a point: Too much of anything is not good for us, even if that thing seems to be the epitome of goodness.

For instance...friends. Friends can sometimes be like ice-cream. Ok, hear me out.

You have maybe one or two good friends that you see occasionally. Thats cool. An occasional frozen treat is good for the soul. But lets say that you have a tendency to hang out with lots of friends at one time, often. Some are sweet, some are tart, and some are just way too decadent to be ingested on a regular basis. They are negative Nellys. They either are Eyore-Sad, moping about life, or they are infectious leeches who put you down, berate your parenting methods AND your kids, and generally are never happy for your achievements. Too many  scoops...too many pints...just plain old brain freeze. Not wanted or needed.

Either way, you find out pretty quickly that a little goes a long way. If you are eating too much ice-cream, you get sick. It no longer tastes good; just sticky & gooey and gives you a stomach-ache.

What to do, what to do?

Get a new dessert? Naw, there is nothing wrong with sweets. and there is nothing wrong with friends. Just make sure that you have the right ones and that they won't contaminate your system. And just remember...like ice-cream...you don't need a million friends. Just a few great ones that will add to the enjoyment in your life & full-fill your sweet tooth. Good friends. Good times. Great ice-cream. ;-)

~Sugarfree Chelly

Getcha Head in the Arts & Crafts Game!!!

So I'm just showing some of my work as of late...

       I'm really into making ruffles & fabric flowers now. Its my new hobby & eventually...

 

  

   ..... it will lead to bigger and better things. At least that's what God is leading me to do.

The finished product. I'm so proud!

This is one of my recent projects... Like???

Me likes!

This little barrette was used with leftovers...it is OK. I've gotten better at it since then.

We shall see what the future holds for this new chapter of my arts & crafts. I STILL have to finish three novels, my children's book series, AND my period-play. Whew! I'm going to be one busy (sexy) lady for the next several years!


Ciao darlings!


~Empress of the Arts (& Crafts) 

new christmas commercial 12-2010.wmv

Its a New Year and therefore, you are a 'New You'! Let me help the Hottie in you shine! Visit my e-store at http://www.youravon.com/michelledowell to get you started. xoxo

Alisper - With You In My Head

I'm SO in love with the entire Twilight film series so far. I'm waiting with baited breath for the next movie...Bella, preggy? Awesome!

Ciao,

This was just a quickie. Not a whole post. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

LOL!

Adieu, mon ami...

In the Mouth of Sorority Madness...

So the idea of censorship sucks...especially when the censoring would be done by yours truly to me,myself, & I. Nooo, I'm not a narcissist at all.


It feels so good to write. Online, where most do not know me and those who do don't give a flying monkey about me or my thoughts, so any danger of my blog posing a threat to me is null and void; practically nonexistent. And thats a good thing! And yes, while I admittedly wish that the idiots I know would grace my blog and at least pretend that they care to know who I am, I simultaneously am secretly loving the fact that candor is on my side. I can be myself (in all of my misunderstood glory) and keep the fear of being "exposed" at bay...at least until my worst fears come true and my blog gets some followers. Until then I'll happily wade in the waters of denial and blab to my heart's content.


My prattle is pretty much that: nonsense that rolls around in my head, seeps out of my pores, and finds its way from my fingertips to the great & powerful OZ...i.e. my blog.


I don't pretend to ever know what I'm talking about and yet, I seem to harbor the wisdom of ages long since forgotten. That I do. My mind is an oracle of sorts just waiting to pour its contents out to the highest bidder. But then no one ever shows up to the auction and therefore my information remains quarantined in my head. Why taint others with something they are not ready to fend off? Because more or less, when you get down to it, all of what I am and everything I know is just too much to handle. so I remain the genie in a bottle floating atop the sea of life.


Hey! Extra, Extra, Read all about it!!! I have a business idea! God has given me Wisdom and with that, the idea for a great business. I'm as psyched as an 80's kid for a Big Mac! Truly 2011 is going to be the best year ever. I'm evolving. Awww! I'm growing up!


And then (in non-chronological fashion) I have also found out something important. Christians that claim to be so loving and all-encompassing are full of bull. I myself am a Christian and in no ways prejudice. But I've found that some people I trusted are just plain racially biased like a lot of Texans. I'm appalled at my findings but being ostracized in three covens and being practically the only brown gal in them, I'm pretty much done. My rationalizations are not just in my head...others have observed the exact same thing from afar. Now what do I do? I'm in (in name only) like Flin. Well, all things considered, I don't need more friends. I can barely handle the one's I've had for years. New people exhaust me. Once I find out that my loyalty has been misplaced (yet again) I just go AWOL. I'm in the race but not of the race. That's okay by me. I'll never be accepted for who I am and I would NEVER want to melt into the crowd (especially a collection of simpletons). I'd rather drink Arsenic and hang myself with old lace. Carey Grant had the right idea in that film. When in doubt, send the nuts to the looney bin. And when all else fails, if you can't beat them, join them...the crazies, that is.


Being normal is WAY overrated.


"Say goodnight, Dick. Goodnight Dick."


~Empress of lost Covens

Living a Vintage Life In An Ultra-Modern World

So here we are again...discussing the ills of our excruciatingly modern society and trying to muster up the courage to live independently of all 2011 conveniences for the sake of keeping our vintage sanity; our ideals of yesteryears long gone. It would be silly of me to pretend to be anything but vintage, as I've always lived at least seven decades behind (at least in my mind). In grade school, when everyone else came to class gabbing about what happened on Nickelodeon the night before (OK, OK, I watched it too), I was daydreaming of sexy Mr. Blandings building our ...er...his... dream house. Carey Grant was the tops in my book. But most eleven-year-olds weren't even up to speed with The SweatHogs (and boy could I imitate Arnold Horshack!), so how could I possibly expect them to understand my love of Fred & Ginger films? In high school it was even worse. While the teens on my block were jamming to Biggie Smalls, I was in my bedroom writing poetry to the sounds of Ludwig Von Beethoven or belting out the tunes to my favorite musicals on record such as Carousel, Oklahoma, and West Side Story. My walls were covered with posters of Marilyn Monroe & The Beetles - {George...*sigh*...} - and I begged my mom to get me the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever for my seventeenth birthday. 


So lets fast-forward past my multi-era identity crisis of my twenties and focus on the present...or lack thereof. At this stage of the game I'd much rather live in seclusion in a 1920's inspired cottage playing Gin Rummy with my hubby & watching a 1939 flick on DVD, than ever venture out into the cruel, cruel world. This time that we live in, sullied with children lacking imagination, electronic gadgets that do just about everything for you, and R-rated caliber commercials grace the screen during little one's waking hours. You could say...in essence...that this world is headed towards Hades in a hand basket...a very frilly handbasket filled with rancid fruit. But I digress.


As I was saying, this is not the time to fall prey to the modern conviences of our society. This, my nostalgic obsessed comrades, is the time to revolt. So what if everyone else's child is attending public or private schools! Its homeschooling all the way for my family. We wouldn't dare have it any other way. So what if parents and children alike think family time means being hovered around a Wii lazily playing a virtual outdoor sport! I say family time still means popcorn, hot chocolate and scrabble topped with a viewing of The Wizard of Oz. Why not? Whose to say that my idea of life isn't swell as well? I live amongst furnishings of "the good old days" and choose to live in my own private Wonderland. Thats my choice and in that is where my sanctuary, sanity, and contentment lie. And all others may choose to live as they see fit. Be a family of the times, see if I care. "By my right eye..." ...well...you know the saying...or perhaps (sadly)...you don't.


"The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there." 
~ Leslie Poles Hartley (English Writer 1895 - 1972)




Empress of The Past

Twilight - 15 Step (Radiohead)

I am SO loving this goth mood I'm in. I need it for my book anyway. Writing and listening to music gets my creative juices flowing. *sigh* Ahhhhhhhhh.....

Fanfarlo - Atlas (The Time And Space Machine Remix)

I'm in a very goth-esque mood. Its not a bad thing, mind you. But it does mean that I'm a bit more pensive and introspective than usual.  Just...thinking... About people...places...things...


I know that people aren't all prejudiced-against color, religion, culture, etc. Ok, maybe there are tons of biased folks out there either unknowingly or uncaringly judging others. And then (here's the kicker) treating them a certain way based on their perception of said people. I know that this DOES exist as I have been judged for the color of my skin, my features, my quirky personality, my beliefs...you name it, I've been judged for it. I have been many people in my day too - at least, on the inside. But golly gee day! I don't understand people at all. These wretched humans whom I am only half related to...don't they get it??? I am not a person to be understood. Look up the word 'Bewilder'...see? There I am. My picture should be there somewhere. That's me: the puzzling Cat Woman. The Meteor Freak. The Girl With Silver eyes. I'm not like other people in more ways that a few. I'm...special. We'll not go into my God-given gifts and talents. I'll touch on that later. It blows most people's minds. Even those who have known me for years seldom believe me when I expound on my 'abilities'. Lets just say that God gives some people gifts to use for His Kingdom. Like Prophet Kim Clement. And since my Sabrina days are long since over (but unfortunately for me, not forgotten), I've decided not to bring them up in conjunction with the person I am today. I'm redeemed by The Blood of Christ & now I play for His team. The Devil's 401K plan included perks like Amityville-type demonic hauntings and...um...an eternity in flames. Yeah. Not so into that. anyway, like I said, that was 13 years ago. I'm a Warrior Princess in the Army of The Lord now.


So anyway, in short, people don't get me. On top of my zany character & hermit tendencies, I am black. You don't say? Well, despite my alternative persona, I am African American. And that has never bothered ME, but for some reason, it tends to rattle others. Just when you thought it was safe to speak proper English & listen to Blur while toting The Bible, it simply isn't. At least not for a black gal in TX. Geez, I wasn't even wholly accepted in MD, but at least I could be myself and my peers just shrugged it off as "That's just Michelle."


I've always had issues being accepted by causasians. Sad but true. No matter how many racially mixed Catholic & Lutheran schools I went to (predominantly white) and no matter how educated or super-intellectual I am, I've always been the odd-gal-out. With the exception of my BFF Martina who is not only white but half British, most Caucasians just didn't understand me. So I was 'allowed' to hang out with them but never taken into their confidence or really befriended by them. It was like being allowed to go the the party. but not to participate in the activities, ya know? So any-who, I pretty much said "Heck with it. I'm cool. Do you and hang out with yours." But now, at 31, I really don't want to sit on the sidelines. I'm not wallflower. Don't invite me to the party to take up space and tell everyone, "Oh, sure we're not prejudiced. We even have a black girl here!"  You aren't fooling anyone. I'm no token...at least...not by choice.


In this life, the only one I have to live, I want to be happy. Acceptance is SO not gonna happen, of that I'm sure. But if its not going to happen, I want it to NOT happen on my own terms. weird, ja sam, but its what I want. I'm too old for sorority snubbing and race-based-standoffishness. Come on. Its 2011 and God is soon to come. be what and who you are with no fetters holding you back. I am. I have always tried to be myself, whoever that ends up being. But I also want to surround myself with like-minded individuals, True-unadulterated-Christians, and people who choose not to live behind a mask. That's only cool for like, Batman or Superman or....Catwoman. and that is who I am. But you know what...unlike my feline ancestors before me...I choose to walk bare-boned & free...in the sun. If you don't like it or me, tough. Deal with it.

M  E  O  W

*bad kitty*




~Empress of Felines