My BFF Rhonda always says: "Lord, is it me??" I'm starting to ask the same question. Am I the nut? I feel like Alice in Wonderland, only instead of everyone being abnormal, I'M the Mad Hatter, and everyone else is...well...Alice. I dislike this phrase the most: "Oh my gosh, that is SO funny!" The people saying it and their counterparts all agree but no one actually laughs! Really?? If its that funny then give me belly laugh. Prove your statement! Agh!
I'm sorry, I digress. As I was saying, I seem to be the only one with MY head on straight and most Texans seem to have a commercial one-size-fits-all head, complete with thoughts, and sayings and judgments...all running on the same batteries & in sync with one another. Its preposterous & down right sickening. What is this, Children of the Corn? Or worse, Village of the Damned??? I sometimes say something that I assume most people are thinking and the people around me all stare in unison at me as if I have two heads. My next thought is, Please do not let their hair turn ash blonde & their eyes glow & I shoot myself. No exaggeration. Only I think that I'M the alien here. Kanye, you have a friend in me, dude.
So where do I go from here? I can't go back to who I was. I'm too proud of the young woman of Christ that I'm evolving into. But for real, a sista' can't go out like this, man!
My hubby told me years ago that it would take time. Time to meet people that I feel comfortable being myself around & time to make solid-hard-core-friends4life gal pals. But really, I've been here 7 years. Shouldn't I have already adjusted to this planet...er...state? I'm not so sure that I will ever fit in to being a Stepford Wife or saying something is hilarious, instead of just plain old laughing. After all, I never really 'FIT IN' in Maryland. I've always been an oddity & a weirdo. the difference is that I was accepted in my own social sets AND I could be as crazy as a loon and everyone would shake their heads & smile saying "That's Michelle." If that was me, then who is this watered down, hermit-like, speak-when-spoken-to chick I see in the mirror? She certainly isn't the girl who stood on the street corners yelling "Vote for me!" & "Make 7...Up Yours!" She can't be the woman who'd stand on a bench at the Inner Harbor & start singing with my friends or pretending to trip or talking in British accents to random stranger or even (this used to ROCK), taking a wad of hair from my comb, placing it on my empty plate in a restaurant and say "Waiter, there is a hair on my plate!" <<
But ya know, that chick had issues, deep-rooted ones. That chick was in pain & down a lot of the times. That chick never felt like she fit in either. She was just better adjusted to her madness and so were those around her, so she felt safe. Well, I don't feel that safety here in Texas. If everything is bigger in TX, that includes the depression & the pangs for social acceptance & family ties. If I have to change myself & who I am to fit in, heck with it. I'm not going to become a zombie & I certainly am not about to bleach my skin white for the obviously prejudice folks here. Oh yes, thats a part of my issue here too. I've noticed that others have been readily accepted & in too many situations with several groups of people (mostly Caucasian) I have not been embraced. I know it is easier for other minorities to assimilate, but goodness, I carry myself very well, I speak proper English, I'm educated & an intellectual to boot. So what else is there?
I guess I will have to go on with my caramel self & ponder over all of this. We'll see how God handles the situation and how I feel. Perhaps there is nothing to fret about. Maybe, just like the Jonas Bros in the song, I'm just PARANOID.
